My Birthday

So there’s roughly 3 weeks left until my birthday and only one person knows what I really want. I can never make up my mind on proper birthday presents (for anyone, not just mine) and usually just end up getting a card and money from most people in my family. Problem one is that I’m very indecisive. It took me 30 minutes shopping online before I decided solidly what I want to get out of minimum 10 products. Whenever I go shopping, it’s a constant hassle of “I don’t know,” and “I’m hungry.” Problem two is literally nothing is open except online shopping. Lots of the things I’d ‘want’ are only things you can get online and they’re usually 30+ dollars altogether. I feel guilty telling people what I want online and they actually end up getting it for me, and then I feel the need to pay them back at least half of what they paid for it, just because I’m nice and appreciative.

Right now, I don’t have any solid plans of what I’m even doing for my birthday. I can’t really have gatherings, even of people below the number, and since my birthday’s on a Friday, I’ll probably be visiting my dad for the evening and won’t get to see my mom that much, especially if she works. It’s all kind of over the place in my head right now, but I’m pretty sure it’ll just be quick and over like the last few have been (Fun Fact; I haven’t had a proper birthday party with friends in over 5 years. Don’t feel bad for me, I’ve become extremely introverted).

So what I want for my birthday? Money. That’s literally all. The only other things I can think of is merch (clothing, mainly) from different bands and people I like that costs 7,000,000 dollars a pop. My friend said that she’d get something for me and her mom doesn’t mind, and that I shouldn’t pay her back since it’s my birthday, but other than that, I can’t come up with anything I want. Money can help me make up my mind, but right now, you can’t go out and buy things and shopping online feels really weird for me (+ I’m not too open with my mom, and not bold enough to talk to her about fandoms and merch I’m into). I’d rather torture her with my very, very bad shopping habits and annoying the living heck outta her than actually talk to her about wasting money online for something that takes 2+ weeks to come in the mail, and if it’s off Wish, is more than likely the size of your pinky.

Also, cake is a bad thing for me. My mom usually gets the kind of cakes that have 68 layers of thick sugar icing on it and I end up only eating the cake part with thin strips on icing in them, and after, have a hunk of icing piles on my plate. Sometimes, when I eat cake, I’ll feel like a piece of dog poop that’s been sitting out on someone’s lawn all through the winter, and when spring comes along, I’m a shriveled leaf the next day, and can’t do anything which is crumby after a birthday.

So as for my birthday, it’s just gonna happen. Nothing special unless this pandemic ends in T-15 or so days, which I highly doubt since so many people are still being dumb about the whole thing like they lost their brains to Pennywise in a sewer when they got sad about paper boats instead of families losing loved ones, in which he probably went to go scare random fat kids down the block with it (I have weird insults for republicans). I don’t know, but nothing will change either way because I don’t have friends and I’m too introverted for my own good.

Random Habits I Have

I have quite a few random things I do without even thinking about it. Some could be bad, some could just be weird, and some I don’t notice when I do them, only after.

  1. Chewing Fingernails. This is one of the bad ones. I can’t remember a time in my life where I haven’t had the bad habit of chewing on the skin on the end of my fingers and completely obliterating the nails with my teeth. I’ve tried to stop god-knows-how-many times, but it has never worked. I remember one time, my parents bought a special nail serum thing (yay, chemicals) that tasted horrible so I could stop chewing. Surprise, surprise, it didn’t work at all. I would still chew and got used to the smell and taste (I honestly don’t even know if it was non-toxic, but I’m still alive. Note: Nail polish stinks bad), or I would pick or peel off the serum and just continue destroying my nails. It’s bad because when I chew on the skin, too. Sometimes, it’ll run up the side of my nail and I’ll chew it off, and then it’ll hurt like heck for a few days. I go down so many layers of skin that it gets red and I can’t feel the ends of my fingers sometimes. I’m able to grow out my nails, but they’re fragile and break off, or I chew them off subconsciously, but I feel like I really need to stop picking at the skin around my nails, too. I feel bad because I get hang nails and roughly all my fingers look like brittle leaves in fall on the ends, and I can’t paint my nails either, because I’ll just chew at them and peel off the polish (It is satisfying, but I wish I didn’t have such an impulse to do it).
  2. Loud music. If you’ve seen some of my recent blogs, you’ll know I blare any loud song I love on speakers all night long (Not really, I’d get kicked out for being such an annoying pain in the butt). This is actually really good for my mental health, and I feel like it helps me ignore people I don’t like and it helps me concentrate so much (I know, it probably wouldn’t work for other people if they like quiet places for reading or working). This is bad because sometimes when I listen to it, it’s around people I actually like and am not too bothered by, and I feel like I’d make a bad impression with them if I’m having a whole mental metal concert and ignoring them when I don’t mean to. Also, radiation from earbuds or speakers and loud noises right in your earhole can be very damaging for your hearing (I advise not doing as I do. Monkey see, Monkey learn). And, just to add to me becoming deaf at 13 and ignoring everyone around me as a coping mechanism (Not really, it’s easy for me to talk to people), I also get lost in my own mind and zone out completely, making it harder for people to get my attention when I’m not listening. This doesn’t really happen, and when it does, it isn’t during synchronous learning times or during instructions, but rather when someone talks to me in the car or the bus, and I just sit like a statue with disintegrating eardrums.
  3. This brings me to three. Sometimes when I listen to music, I zone off and stare at something random. I usually catch on to this one a lot, and look away from people or focus on something like drawing or writing (new hobby I could talk about, too), but sometimes I feel like I’m just staring into people’s souls like a creep across the room, or like I’m just drifting off into my own fantasy world and sitting like a psycho going crazy. Sometimes I’ll get too invested in looking at something that’s not a human that I forget what I’m looking at and have to try and convince myself that I’m a human and not a robot being controlled. Like if I focus on trees, I’ll feel like someone put me into that position and I’ll get too focused on how many lines are on a branch and that seem to overlap from the POV, and I’ll forget to do what I’m supposed to be doing or that it’s kind of weird to sit still for a while doing absolutely nothing.
  4. Writing. This is probably one of the best habits I could have and actually stick to. Here’s a fun fact; I never really write, only for assignments and I get hand cramps 3.5 words in. I’m not talking about typing up random fanfiction on your phone or computer, but actually taking a notebook and pen or pencil and writing down all your feelings or something you like, or anything, for that matter. When I write about nothing in particular in a notebook, I never get cramps (Odd, I know) and I can write and write and write for 3 hours solid, especially when I have a good idea on my hands. I never really wrote in a notebook until about a week or so ago, but since then, I  filled out roughly 80 pages in a roughly half a printer-page of paper size sheet notebook, so 40 full sheets of that full of writing. I feel confident in it and even when I get stuck at something, in a story or whatever, I can use my highly-intelligent 1,000,000 IQ brain (Que the sarcasm, I am intelligent, though) to find a way around my problem. Now, when I say I never really write, I meant it, but when I start writing now, you can’t stop me. I’ll write a solid 20 pages double-sided in one night and happen to finish it off just the way I wanted with no mess ups. This isn’t a flex, but I like how I picked up this habit a week ago and I feel a lot better with something I like doing and can do confidently, in the same row as drawing or insert other hobbies here.

I’m pretty sure that’s all I have right now, but if you wanted to see more, I’m sorry. At least I’m not the one who spent 5 or more minutes reading a 1000+ word list on the blog of a teenager.

Open World Learning

In our class, we have this thing called open world learning, or OWL. It’s where you take 6 weeks to improve on something you’re interested in, 2 hours a week roughly. You show your progress and the main parts throughout each week for improvement, and you have these things called dragons where you each soar (pass), or burn (fail). You get put in groups and after each presentation in the group, the dragons tell what the owl did best, what could be improved, and how they used their time and how to go through.

For my first owl, I did drawing. I was nervous about presenting, but I think I made a lot of improvement throughout it. The second one I had got stuck on, and quickly put together a presentation about my Tying Tutor practice and how much I got better at typing. The 3rd Owl, I did digital colouring. This was another strong presentation (Yes, there is a pattern here). I really liked this presentation because I felt way more focused and I actually improved way more than I did at anything previous. The 4th one I did guitar. I thought I had a good presentation, but it ended up being too long and there was tech problems. I ended up going through, though, so now it’s the 5th owl.

For the last one, I really want to make it good, so I went back to drawing. I want to work on my current skills and improve on how I draw backgrounds and settings for characters instead of the blank white paper. Also angles, poses, and a bunch of traditional things I never really take time for (usually finish drawings digitally).

Also, the fact I hate presenting anything. After I’m done and my anxiety is gone, I feel like I should do the whole thing over again with more confidence. I don’t like it because I already gave my work and I can’t do it again so I think people are gonna be thinking about the flaws like me instead of the good parts. It’s a big issue for me, so that’s my biggest concern with Owl right now.

Why I Hate Summer

I know most people think summer is the best season. It’s warmer than the other season’s, you can get tanned and go outside a lot more, etc. I am not one of those people, so I kind of just trash on all of it.

  1. The weather. I have a very big, irrational fear of thunder storms, and when do they occur most? Summer. If there’s even a slight chance of one or its cloudy and windy, I’m already hiding away in the basement. It doesn’t really help my case that the house I live in basically amplifies ever little sound. I get sick to my stomach and feel like I’m having a panic attack and can’t breathe correctly. I feel like puking and I can’t eat anything. Sometimes, though, if I’m fortunate enough, I’ll get over it when the storm calm down and bit and be able to not figuratively die.
  2. The weather, again. I live in Canada, and even though it gets down to -50 in the winter, it gets really hecka hot in the summer. Like, +30, which is sweating by a air conditioner hot. I don’t know why people love it, but it sucks. Also, I hate tanning and looking like a tangerine or something, so I end up crawling out of my cave at the end of summer looking like a vampire while my sister and mom (and other family members) look bronze. I don’t mind it, but it makes me look really sick and like I am gonna die soon.
  3. I’m insecure. I hate going out into public and it’s no help that all my clothes are either black or the darkest shade of a colour before black. I don’t go swimming and I don’t go outside a lot because of my clothes and the previous reasons (see above). The last time I went swimming at an actual public pool was around 2017, so a good 4 years not drowning in a public bathtub. Also, another unmentioned reason why I don’t go outside is my sleep schedule. I’ll give you a clue; last summer, I woke up at 5pm once…

That’s pretty much all the reasons I hate summer and a bag of chips. I’ll stick to staying inside with family during -50 weather and opening Christmas presents, thank you.